I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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