Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
