she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
