so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
