i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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