i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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