Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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