if you like me you must not know who I am
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
