Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
