So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
