Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
