There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
