I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
