i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
