I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I need moral support for this bender
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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