I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
