Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
