Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
