i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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