I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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