Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
