never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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