So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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