sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
