Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
