I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
It was confusing and full of hummus
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
