Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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