So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
