I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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