If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need a beard to bite.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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