Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Randomize
