i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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