You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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