oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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