Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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