I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
