That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
