just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
