I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
