every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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