no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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