You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
