I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
These tits shall not be calmed
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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