So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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