I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
