my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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