So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
