would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
