Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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