On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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