When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
