apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
